One of my deepest fears is having my heart torn out of my chest, again.
You’re lucky I’m bored.
It hasn’t gone unnoticed that I am in fact a broken one. What makes me so unapproachable? Why am I the one who can’t be fixed? Lately all I’ve felt is as if I’m not good enough for anyone. Not only in the romance department but also the friends department. Heartache, disappointment, and given up on. This is how my 2013 ended and how my 2014 has begun. Just numb me from all the pain, that’s all I ask for.
I’m constantly thinking about the topic of homosexual love. It is a really touchy subject for me. It’s not just about society accepting it, but it’s something I’ve been having a huge battle with on my own. I’m unsure of where my “love life” is going, being a guy who likes guys. This is yet something I have to accept.
Sometimes I wish that I could be straight, but I think about it and know that me being gay is who I am and my friends and family love me for who I am, but why can’t I? I want to be able to hold hands, kiss, and be with my significant other without getting weird stares or looks. I want to be secure in that sense and I’d want my significant other to be secure in that sense too. If my significant other doesn’t feel secure, I won’t either.
I’m scared honestly. The guys who I’ve “talked” to or had interests in in the past have all shaped me into who I am now, a guy who’s scared to love and fall for someone because the only thing that’s running in my head is that I’m just going to get hurt. In turn, it’s kind of turned me into a sort of the “clingy” type once I’ve fallen for that person. I catch myself constantly thinking things like “oh he’s probably talking to someone else too.” or “He’s just saying things that I want to hear so that when he gets what he wants from me, he’ll disappear.” If any of you have ever thought like this before, you’ll know of how much it hurts to over think about something that has no reason to be over thought in the first place.
Would you call this Hopeless Love? or Incapable of Loving?
I hate that you can so easily control my happiness. Wherever there is happiness, sadness follows. I just want to be happy, why can’t I have that?
I really like you. You have no idea, it hurts.
I get a sad when you take hours to reply to me :/ and then when you start to become that person who sends one to two word answers, it irritates me and really gets me down. Too bad you’ll probably never know this since after this trip you’ll probably stop talking to me. Just like everyone else, they always leave. I was meant to be alone.